Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Of wanting More

I think I touched briefly on this in my previous post, but I really would like to explain my decision to study and turn to God. My very first post was sort of a rambling jumble since I had so much to say and not enough web space (it seemed) to say it in. So now I'm going to break it down and explain a little better...

When I was little, I had no formal Christian teachings, like, at all. Technically I was baptised a Lutheran, though now that I'm grown, I know it was to please my half-sister's (whom I love) grandparents (who I hardly know and don't really like.) But there was a short time in my life where we were actually going to The Light of the Valley Lutheran Church in Valley Center, CA along with my half-grandparents(?) and it was a novelty to me. Church was something people went to on TV. I specifically remember putting on my matching sunday dress and thinking I was going to see nuns (and I was excited about that), because all the churches on TV had nuns, therefore all churches in reality had nuns too. I just had no idea what church was, or why I was going.

So when we were free of our obligation to go to church when my mom and my sister's dad split, we never ever went again. So I spent my childhood looking for something fun to believe in. Now I've come to the realization that I was actually yearning for some religion. I really do think it's important for children to have something to believe in. Whether it's Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, etc... I think it stems from children actually wanting and needing discipline in their behavior, only a belief and a religion is like a psychic discipline. We know (at least I did) that there is More out there. You have that innocent , untarnished trust that there has to be. So my very best childhood friend and I scoured her book of goddesses and chose our favorites. I always chose the prettiest, nicest, most whimsical one I could find and she always chose the strongest and wisest one. We ran around the avocado groves of Valley Center in costume pretending to be our favorites.

Then as I got a little older (like early middle school), we dabbled in Wicca and spells and witchcraft and whatnot... Now, before you judge me on that keep in mind I'm being as open and honest as I can, and am holding nothing back. So in a sense I'm showing you my scars and if you judge me negatively that's only like cutting them open again. So get over it. Yes, I wanted to believe in magic so badly. I just really wanted that particular boy in class to like me (that was mostly why I was interested in spells. Boys. I just couldn't get them to like me!) And needless to say, my sad little spells never worked. So I gave up on that, and basically quit searching in general. I supposed that this is all there is - though I did know that there had to be SOMETHING after life on Earth, and I figured I'd just worry about it when the time came. Ah, procrastination at its best and most dangerous...

Then I met Zack. We fell in love, we got married. We'd go to church with his dad and step-mom sometimes, and I'd go and enjoy the normalcy and the community of it. I'd hear the pastor's words and think "hey, isn't that wise!", and go home and never remember what he said. I didn't feel it. I agreed that we need to be on our best behavior, but hey, I'm pretty much well-behaved all the time. No problem, I got this.

Then we got pregnant and had Greyson last summer and isn't just like a baby to make you rethink your life? Suddenly I have this amazing awesome gift and not only am I blessed with this little boy, but I'm also responsible for him. Crap! What do I do?! We attempted to go to church again for the sake of our son, but we just weren't feeling it. I blamed it on not finding the "right" church. We just didn't click with these people. So we quit going once more.

Then due to personal problems, we attempted church again and failed yet again.

We since haven't gone back to church, but now I know why I haven't been able to "get it". It's because I didn't GET IT. I didn't actually believe in a God. I believed Jesus was a cool dude who lived once and who died a terrible death, but did I believe that God Almighty morphed himself into a baby to become a man and perform miracles and die in a crucial, appalling way to save us from our sins?? No. I didn't.

Don't get me wrong. I wanted to believe it. But I always ended up shooting myself down. How could there even be a God?? How is it possible? You know what the kicker is? I never ever had a hard time believing in the devil or demons. I won't even watch possession movies or shows or read about demons for fear that my very thinking of them will invite them into my life. Weird how I readily believe in ultimate evil and not in ultimate Good. But there can't be an evil without Good, so that's more proof that there has to be ultimate Good.

As I said in my first post, I picked up Mere Christianity from the library after a recommendation from a school friend off of Facebook, and I read it. And it clicked for me. I'm getting it. And even though my Christian Trail is short so far, my thinking and my actions have changed. I catch myself honestly praying throughout the day. I check myself when I start to cuss at some terrible driver on the road. I'm more understanding and patient with my husband. I wouldn't say I have a full sense of peace quite yet, but I'm gaining peace.

So. That's it. I'm finding the More that I've wanted.


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